Communication is not your Issue.
Why you don’t need “communication skills” to make your relationship better.
“We just need a few communication skills”,
“It’s our communication, we’re just bad at it.”,
“We just aren’t communicating anymore.”
Sound Familiar? It does to me. I hear it all the time. In fact, I don’t know that I have ever met a couple who didn’t identify “communication” as the main issue in their relationship. So, it’s no wonder effective communication is often heralded as the cornerstone of successful relationships. Couples frequently seek counseling under the impression that their communication skills are lacking or that they are simply unable to express their thoughts and feelings adequately. However, the root of communication issues is not in the mechanics of communication itself but rather in the emotional triggers that can derail even the most well-intentioned exchanges.
Let me ask you the questions I ask every couple the comes to my office.
“Should you yell at your partner?” [“no”]
“Should you call your partner names?” [“no”]
“Is it a good idea to roll your eyes when your partner is talking to you?” [“no”]
“Should you turn the tv volume up or tune your partner out when you talking or arguing?” [“no”]
“Do you find yourself doing these things anyway?” [“no”]
Then I ask, “Would it be helpful to your relationship to have a regular date night or a time set aside to check in with one another?” [“yes”]
“Would it be helpful to your relationship to acknowledge the things you see your partner doing well on a regular basis?” [“yes”]
“Would it be helpful to express to your partner what you are grateful about [“yes”]
“Do you find yourself doing these things?” [“no”]
That’s the kicker isn’t it? We still do the things we already know wont help, and avoid the things we know will help. Despite knowing these things, when things a couples have got stuck in a pattern of arguing, everything we know about “good communication skills” goes right out the window, and we all reach for what we believe will offer us the most protection. For some people that’s trying to maintain connection through pointing out everything that is going wrong, and for others that’s just trying to step away to let the moment pass and give everyone time to cool off.
I believe, in each of us, is the innate ability to communicate well. In fact, most of us do it every day with most of the people we meet whether it’s at the grocery store, with a friend, or at work with colleagues. Why then are so many couples not able to use the good communication skills they use in and out every day with one another. Is it sudden onset amnesia that happens when we see our partner and then suddenly cures when we aren’t with them? Of course not. Then what is it?
When couples come to therapy, they often focus on the “content” of their conflicts—like the specifics of the incident, you know, the ever elusive “facts”, the ol’ you said this…well you said that! If you are reading this then there’s a good chance you already know the drill. This focus on content can create a cycle where couples become entrenched in discussing the “what” of their arguments without addressing the underlying emotional responses that drive these conflicts.
Couples come to counseling seeking techniques to improve their interactions, yet most already possess an understanding of what constitutes effective communication. They know that yelling, name-calling, or dismissive behavior is detrimental to their relationships. However, this knowledge does not translate into practice during moments of emotional distress. Notice what I just said there, “during moments of emotional distress”. When we are triggered—when the fight-or-flight responses kick in—
we all revert to ingrained, default attachment
strategies that undermine healthy communication.
In other words, we start to sense a conflict coming, or our partner does that thing that means they are annoyed with us, and we either Shut Down (flight/freeze response) or Make a remark (Fight response).
Why, then are we doing this?
Why we do this is not because we are bad at communicating. It’s an understandable reaction that can be understood through the lens of attachment theory, which helps us understand that humans have a wiring system in our brain that, through life experiences, has adapted the way they manage their most important relationships. The attachment system is a bonding system for connecting with others, and a threat system for when that connection may be in jeopardy.
When individuals feel threatened or emotionally vulnerable, their attachment systems can activate, leading to behaviors that, at some point in their life was a highly effective way to get their needs met, or a highly effective way to deny they have any needs at all based on the responsiveness of their caregivers. Later in life these responses tend to become counterproductive to effective communication.
For example, a partner who feels abandoned may react but shutting down or withdrawing, while another may respond with an anxiety that looks like clinginess and anger. These responses create what Dr. Sue Johnson called a negative interaction cycle. Each partner unintentionally setting their partner up to do the very thing they are complaining about. Despite the good intention behind each partner’s move in the dance, these predictable patterns of behavior actually perpetuate their conflicts.
To put it simply, the more one partner becomes critical the more the other partner will go away, and the more one partner goes away the more critical the other partner becomes. This cycle is a never ending feedback loop.
Breaking the cycle in 3 steps.
The issues is that this cycle often obscures the real issues at play. While couples may argue about specific behaviors or misunderstandings, the deeper emotional struggles—such as fear of abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, or unresolved past traumas—remain unaddressed. This leads to the breakdown in communication, as partners become more focused on defending themselves or attacking one another rather than fostering understanding and empathy.
This negative cycle is a trust blocker, and without trust we cannot assume positive intent from our partner. In other words, when your partner forgets to call to let you know they are running late, the cycle says, “they don’t care about how that impacts me and makes me feel”, whereas, a couple with access to trust might say, “I guess they got stuck in a meeting”.
Couples must find a way to break this cycle. It’s the number one priority for me when I start working with a new couple.
The first step in breaking this cycle is exploring the emotional triggers and the underlying fears that inform their reactions. The Secure Couple Workshop is designed to help couples do just that. When couples begin to share and see each other’s emotional experiences, they are able to understand why their partner has been doing that thing that drives them crazy for years. By taking vulnerable steps with one another to share the deeper emotional underpinnings of their conflict, couples start to find compassion and understanding for one another. It is key for couples to do this because only then can they do the next important step.
The Second step is to begin to see this as an “US” issue. Blame will always get in the way of effective communication, and it makes it impossible for couples to stop the cycle. Anytime one partner starts to say, “if my partner would just…[insert anything]”, I know the cycle has taken over. I should say, even blame is a well meaning move in this dance. Blame is each partners desire to get out of the cycle, albeit without realizing they are already in it.
Any couple who is going to stop this cycle, change the dance, and build a relationship filled with good communication, is going to have to see the cycle they get into as a joint effort. Each person must be able to own what their move in the cycle is, and the impact it has on their partner.
That might look like an anxious pursuer being able to say, “I know when I feel lonely or hurt, it usually comes out in anger, and I start criticizing you. I’m starting to understand how that criticism tells you there is nothing you will ever get right, so you shut down and stop trying.”
I could look like an anxious withdrawer saying, “This is when I usually walk away, I get so nervous when we start to argue, like it could just get out of control. I know when I do that it only makes you panic more and feel like you have to yell to keep me close.”
The third step in stopping the cycle is, as with all things, a commitment to the process of change. Sticking with the program. I recently started working with a fitness trainer. When I asked him how much progress his clients make when they come to see him once a week, for one hour, and then leave and do not exercise or mindfully approach their diet the rest of the week. “None” was his answer.
Steps one and two are vital, but they are nothing without a firm commitment to seeing and understanding yourself and your partner differently. There are a few tricks I have for helping people stay in the commitment. It comes in the form of a few things I had to practice, and continue to practice to this day in my own relationship.
Choosing a positive response.
I always tell the couples I’m working with, that the enemy of their relationship is how quickly they move with one another. The adage, “slow is smooth, smooth is fast” is keenly poignant for couples trying to recognize and change the dance they are in. Once couples have identified the places their relationship looses it’s emotional footing (triggers for the cycle), understand and share the fears or concerns that start to stir in them, and have committed to changing the dance of their relationship, they need only to move slower.
I’m always incredibly proud when partners I’m working with come in and say, “Michael! We did it! We stopped the cycle!” It’s a great moment. What they did was the culmination of their commitment to the first three steps. Having a deep understanding of what has set their cycle in motion, the moment it arises gives rise to a new experience. A pause if you will. At first the pause is only a small blip on the radar, barely noticeable, and nigh on impossible to respond to with a different reaction, but it’s there. Eventually, with the help of the third step commitment, this blip grows, and even allows a full moment of reflection. In this moment is where the magic happens. In this moment, one partner, or both, is able to catch themselves and notice this is the place we go off track, and start to look for a new way. In this moment there is something important you can do.
Let me explain using myself as an anecdote.
When my wife, of 17 years, and mother of our 3 kids does something that gets to me, and I feel the familiar rise of frustration coming, I have to find that pause with in me. In this pause I offer myself a few truths, and a couple questions.
Truth 1: This woman loves me.
Truth 2: This woman is doing her best.
Truth 3: This woman needs and deserves my support.
With these truths in mind, I’m able to hold a curious position and ask myself the following questions.
Question 1: Have I ever done that? (It’s always yes.)
Questions 2: Will I be likely to do something like that in the future? (also yes…)
Question 3: Why would I have done that? (likely because I am a human, prone to error, stressed, or sometimes I just make mistakes, etc. etc.)
Question 4: Would I want my partner to be curious or callous toward me? (It’s always curious)
Choosing a curious response
900 times out of 10, a curious response offers a far better interaction than a callous one.
Let me explain callous for a moment. I don’t mean
cold hearted, uncaring, evil or anything like that. I
mean callous in the sense of the response we offer
when we have walked this road 1000 times and we
“know what is coming” so we offer the same response
we have always had, and get the same response we
have always gotten. That is the calloused road.
When couples are able to take that moment and turn their protective response, into a moment of curiosity, they open the door in their relationship to the possibility of a different outcome. Often the outcome is much better, as curiosity fosters connection, and connection fosters trust, and trust does not set off the alarm bells that create the fight, flight, or freeze response.
Try to get curious about what you may be doing that could be playing a part in keeping your partner in their own protective response. Get curious about what that might be like for your partner, and try to engage them from a curious place.
If you’re finding it difficult to do on your own, that’s completely understandable. It always works better with both partners are working toward the same goal. That is why I create The Secure Couple. It’s the help you need, to create lasting change and address the real reason your communication keeps falling apart.
In a hurry? Here’s the gist.
While most couples seek help to gain some kind of communication skill they think they are lacking, it’s not the skill they are lacking but access to the good communication skills they already possess that is the problem. Couples argue because of distress in the relationship the trigger their fight of flight or freeze response. These responses create a negative interaction cycle where each partner’s behavior triggers the unwanted behavior they complain about in their partner. For example, one partners yelling causes the other’s withdraw, while the withdraw itself causes more yelling.
The more one partner pulls away the more the other moves toward and the more one partner moves toward the more the other partner pulls away.
Couples that want to get ahold of this cycle need to begin doing the following 3 steps:
- Understand what happens that tips your relationship off baland and the emotion(s) (fear, sad hurt..etc) it triggers.
- Can you name what happens, a sigh, a critical remark?
- It’s important to get under the “anger”. Sit with it, can you slow down enough to feel the hurt or sadness? Anger drives the cycle, and pushes your partner away.
- See the Cycle is Co-created not one persons fault.
- Don’t let blame get in the way. Each person must see and own that their behavior plays a role in perpetuating and maintaining the cycle. Without this, the cycle can’t be stopped.
- Commit to change as a process not an event.
- Sticking to it is the only way to change. It’s like the old saying goes, “nothing changes when nothing changes”, but change does take time. Change once does not mean change every time, but giving it time allows for the new way of communicating to become to primary way of communicating.
